


That's Why I Was So Weak

by cabbageboy



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Love, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:07:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26430895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabbageboy/pseuds/cabbageboy
Summary: "Maybe the only way to make it stop, to ensure that no one could hurt her ever again, was if there was no one left at all"Catra is plagued by memories, and realizes that Adora never really gave her an answer to her question all those years ago.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 80
Collections: "you never told me what it is that made you strong"/"I want you to know what makes me strong" (either or)





	That's Why I Was So Weak

**Author's Note:**

> A submission for the prompt from the LIMAMIL discord server! This week's prompt:
> 
> "You never told me what it was that made you strong"

Catra lay on her side, allowing a purr to emerge from her throat as Adora massaged soothing circles into her scalp right behind her ears. The calm of evening washed over her, the sun’s low position as it set cast sweeping shadows through the room, the birds living in the garden below quieted down for their nightly slumber. Every evening right after dinner they would retire to their room to lay here together, in their bed, and just be with each other. They would sometimes talk about their day, or their feelings, or their plans, but most evenings were spent just loving each other. Catra could feel through every touch how much Adora loved her. She rolled over to face Adora, reaching a hand out to give her hip a firm squeeze before wrapping around to stroke a path up and down Adora’s spine beneath her shirt. No matter how busy things got they always made time for this, to be with each other like they had always dreamed of, like they were finally allowed to be.

Catra had something weighing on her all day, being the anniversary of the Battle of Brightmoon. Bow’s fathers and their fellow historians had insisted on first hand interviews on both sides, to record history from the sources and from multiple perspectives. Catra wanted to do her part to ensure that history was preserved. She was better now, a much better person, friend, and leader than she had been back then. She knew, though, no matter how much she wished she could erase some of the things she did, that erasing those mistakes, those decisions, would not aid in Etheria’s healing. It all needed to be remembered, the good and the bad, so people could see just how far gone you can be and still come back. When you are at your lowest, you can still change. She was the best example of that.

So, when they told her of their plans to begin recording the war and its major battles, she set about gathering all of the past schedules, soldier duty assignments, and all of the paperwork that tracked rations, supplies, weapons, vehicles, and any other logistics that would paint a picture for them about what they went into battle with. They decided that, since the Battle of Brightmoon was such a pivotal moment in the war, they would record it and other battles like it first, filling in the gaps with smaller battles and then finally Horde training and planning sessions. Catra compiled a list of all of the soldiers that were present that day, and set to work finding out which kingdom each of them had gained citizenship in so that she may contact them. The number of soldiers that went into battle under her leadership compared with the number that came out of battle is something that would weigh on her for the rest of her life, a deep guilt filling her chest and stinging her eyes.

Once she located a former soldier she sent them a letter first. She simply stated that for historical documentation it was requested that they respond so that they could record their experiences in battle, but that it was not required. She made it clear that she knew how they might feel about her, about their time in the Horde, or just about the war in general, and she would not seek any further communication if they chose not to respond. If they did feel comfortable talking about it they could either set up a meeting with Catra and the historians, or if they didn’t want to speak in person they could request a questionnaire to fill out to the best of their abilities. She hoped that making it clear that it wasn't an order and she didn't expect them to follow it would help ease their minds, knowing that her position as Head of Special Forces of Brightmoon's Army and Royal Advisor to the Queen might make them nervous.

Thinking about the Battle of Brightmoon, trying to consciously remember her actions and the orders she gave was taxing to say the least. She didn’t like thinking about everything she did to hurt Adora, which is all the Battle of Brightmoon really was. She acted tough, like she wanted to lay siege to the kingdom, storm the castle, burn it all to the ground, and shatter the moonstone into tiny pieces the same size as her broken heart. That is exactly what she wanted, but not because it was the headquarters of the Rebellion, because it was one of the largest kingdoms, or because it would disrupt trade routes to the rest of the Rebellion. No, she had wanted to burn it to the ground because that is where Adora had run off to when she left her. Adora left her for her sparkly new friends and they all lived in the pink and purple castle together, living out their perfect princess dreams with each other. Catra wanted Brightmoon and all traces of it eradicated from the face of the planet because then she wouldn’t have to look at a map and see a big shiny circle indicating exactly who Adora had chosen over her. 

A tear rolled down Catra’s face, without her even noticing it happened or even being able to anticipate it. She was trapped in that spiral, thinking about the darkness that consumed her, that she allowed to consume her for all of those years. All she could think about was how much pain she was in, how much pain she was always in. It was constant and sharp. It stabbed at her chest when she least expected it to and rendered her afraid of doing something as simple but necessary as sleeping. She couldn’t even sleep by herself because all she felt was the pain of losing Adora and then the shame of allowing herself to fall so deeply into despair that she couldn’t see the light anymore, that she thought the only way to stop hurting was to open that portal and destroy not only herself but everyone in the entire fucking universe. She was just so tired of being left behind, being hurt, doing her best and being better than everyone around her and still not being good enough, that maybe the only way to make it stop, to ensure that no one could hurt her ever again, was if there was no one left at all. 

Adora wiped the tear from Catra’s cheek with the pad of her thumb, sliding her fingers along her sharp jawline, playing with the short fur at the corner before threading through her hair. Catra’s purr returns, pinching her eyes closed to try to drive away the memories. This wasn’t the time to revisit old wounds. This wasn’t what she wanted to be thinking about as she laid in bed with her girlfriend. She didn’t want to think about how pathetic she used to be, how weak she was. She didn’t want to think about how Adora really and truly thrived in the Rebellion thanks to the help of her new, emotionally stable friends. She was so weak back then, trying desperately to ruin every good thing that Adora was doing in an attempt to bury the pain she felt every day at knowing that not only was Adora stronger without her, but she was weaker without Adora. 

“You never told me,” Catra whispered, locking eyes with Adora.

“Told you what?” Adora said, confusion marring her features as her lips turned down at the edges and her brow raised.

“In the Battle of Brightmoon, when you dropped your sword in the water and I said ‘the sword is what gives you all of your strength,’ you said ‘that’s not what makes me strong,’” Catra clarified.

“Oh. Yeah, I did,” Adora said, understanding washing over her. 

“You never told me what it was… you never told me what it is that makes you strong,” Catra whispered.

Adora smiled, her expression softening. She thought the answer would be obvious after all of this time together, but she supposed she couldn’t really fault Catra for not connecting the dots between the events at the Heart of Etheria and the Battle of Brightmoon since they were so many years apart.

“Love. It’s love,” Adora said, voice firm and strong, tilting her head forward to nudge the hair on top of Catra’s head. 

“Oh, I guess that’s why I was so weak,” Catra whispered, voice dejected and embarrassed.

“No Catra. Love is what made you strong, it always was. You tried to hide it, fight it, but it made you strong too. It always did,” Adora said, taking Catra’s face in her hands and tilting it up to lock eyes once again. Adora looked at her with absolute adoration, like there was no one else in the world other than Catra. 

“I didn’t see it,” Catra started, sighing, “I never really saw it until the Heart. But love really does make us strong, doesn’t it? Loving someone and letting them love you… they tried to hide it in the Horde, act like it made you weak. It took me so long to realize that they hid it like that because they knew, and they were afraid of just how strong it would make us,” her voice grew heated, thinking of a specific person. 

Adora nodded, smiling, “But it didn’t work, did it?”

Catra returned the smile and said, “No. It didn’t.”

“I loved you, the whole time. I never stopped. I know I did things, awful things, and I was abusive and I hurt you on purpose. I know that. It’s fucked up for me to say that I loved you through all of that, but I really did. I don’t think I could have stopped loving you even if I tried. I wanted to at first, I wanted to stop loving you when you left, but I just couldn’t. It made it hurt so much worse and I thought it was making me weaker. When I was at my lowest, when I opened that portal wanting to die and to take everyone with me, when I just wanted to make it all stop, I thought my love for you is what was hurting me,” Catra said.

Adora tried to keep her expression neutral. She knew some of this, knew Catra’s thoughts about the portal and why she did it, but she obviously didn’t like to talk about it. After they talked about it the first time, when they really got a chance to talk after the war was over, she never brought it up again. She knew all she needed to, forgave Catra, and didn't think it was important to bring it up unless Catra wanted to talk about it. She wouldn't deny anything Catra said, because it was true. She did hurt her, and it was never okay, but things were different now and things back then were never as black and white as they seemed. She had hurt Catra too. All that mattered to her was that she wanted to forgive, and she wanted to be with Catra. In spite of all that they had been through and done to each other, it was worth more to forgive and have each other now than it was to hold on to the pain.

Catra took a deep breath and continued, “On Prime’s ship, I saw that vision of us in the corridor, saw us when we were little. I remembered your promise, that you would always be my friend. The younger you looked at me and smiled, and that’s when I knew I needed to do whatever it took to get Glimmer off of that ship and to keep you from Prime. Looking back, that was probably the first time I let how I felt about you make me stronger, make me better. I didn’t see it at the time, I was too focused on the task at hand, but remembering back on it I can’t believe all of those times that I was better because of how I felt about you.”

“Love is what makes us strong, stronger than we could ever be without it,” Adora said, “My love for you and your love for me, that’s what saved us in the end. Never forget that.”

“I don’t ever plan to forget that,” Catra murmured, leaning up to press her lips to Adora’s.

Love is what makes us strong.


End file.
